If you believe your teen has or is developing an eating disorder you should seek professional psychological and medical treatment as soon as possible and be aware that the treatment process for a developed eating disorder can be a lengthy process. If you are concerned that your child has a poor body image but do not feel that they have any real eating disorder, the following suggestions may be helpful:
1. Don’t encourage your teen to eat, watch them eat, or initiate discussions about weight. This will just further draw attention to the issue and they may pick up on your nervousness about this issue.
2. Don’t speak negatively about food or weight and don’t point out how good someone looks just because they are thin.
3. Don’t feel guilty as a parent if your teenager is struggling with body image – it is not your fault and it is important that you do not focus on feelings of guilt but rather on ways you can offer support.
4. Don’t let your concerns cause you to neglect other things in your life such as outside interests or other family members who need your attention and support just as much as your teen who is struggling with their body image.
5. Don’t put them down or try to compare them to others – this will only further reduce their low self esteem.
6. Let them know that you are there to listen if THEY want to talk about it.
7. Put a lot of focus on other things they do well – not just on how they look so that they see their self worth as more than just physical appearance.
8. Encourage your teen to be active doing things they enjoy rather than focusing on specific weight loss activities that are rigid and feel like a chore instead of fun.
9. Encourage your teen to find something positive about themselves each day – it may be a challenge at first but will help them to focus on their competencies and positive things they can offer others.
10. Have fun and nutritious foods in the house so your teen does not feel guilty when they do want to snack.
11. If at all possible (and this is very, very difficult), try to limit your teen’s exposure to the media which portrays unrealistic body types.
12. Compliment actions – compliment what they do, not how they look.
13. Love your child – they will sense this and your acceptance is extremely important to them even if they don’t show it!
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Self Injury In Teens: Warning Signs
Teens who cut or burn themselves usually keep this behavior very secretive and cut in places that are covered by clothes because they are ashamed of their behavior and know that it is not socially acceptable. It may be difficult for parents to pick up on warning signs because often times these teens appear to be doing well and are not displaying any apparent signs of distress. It is important to note that any of the signs below alone is not necessarily cause for alarm, however, noticing several of these signs in your teen may be cause for concern:
1. Wearing long sleeve shirts or pants even when it is very warm out
2. Acting vague and evasive or angry when asked about cuts, burns or scabs
3. Refusing to wear a bathing suit in the summer (not related to being embarrassed by their weight) when typically they have enjoyed swimming
4. Keeping of razors or lighters in their room
5. Appearing more secretive than they usually do – spending a lot of time alone in their room
6. Disposing of bloody tissues in their room or bathroom
7. Associating with a peer who is known to self injure
8. Being suspected by anyone of self injuring (friends, teachers, family, etc)
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
1. Wearing long sleeve shirts or pants even when it is very warm out
2. Acting vague and evasive or angry when asked about cuts, burns or scabs
3. Refusing to wear a bathing suit in the summer (not related to being embarrassed by their weight) when typically they have enjoyed swimming
4. Keeping of razors or lighters in their room
5. Appearing more secretive than they usually do – spending a lot of time alone in their room
6. Disposing of bloody tissues in their room or bathroom
7. Associating with a peer who is known to self injure
8. Being suspected by anyone of self injuring (friends, teachers, family, etc)
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Teenage Dating: Questions To consider
One concern I have heard voiced by parents of teens who are beginning to date is how much freedom they should give their teenager and should they allow their teenager and their boyfriend / girlfriend to ever be alone. Both questions are tricky and somewhat specific to each family’s situation. Some things to keep in mind when making this decision in your situation are:
- Is my teenager generally responsible?
- Does my teenager generally make healthy decisions?
- Do I know at least a little about my teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
- Do I think my teenager will let me know if something is wrong?
- Does my teenager generally have good boundaries and decent self esteem?
- What parameters can I put in place to allow my teen a little freedom which can gradually increase as we feel this situation out further?
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Conflict Among Parents
Despite how difficult such situations are, it is critical that parents do not let their children witness their conflicts. I cannot tell you the number of children who I have seen for therapy who are emotionally damaged and extremely confused because their parents constantly argue and say negative, rude and disrespectful things about one another. I am not suggesting that it is easy to keep all of these emotions to oneself, however, these emotions should be shared with other adults or professionals and not with one’s children.
Some tips for parenting if you are a parent in this situation:
1. Speaking with the other parent: if you know that you become easily emotionally charged when speaking with your child’s other parent then it is important that you have these conversations when not in the presence of your child. It is never in a teenagers best interest to witness situations where parents become negative, yell, say negative things or become verbally abusive towards one another. The damage from this can last years and can even impact your child’s ability to form healthy, trusting relationships as an adult.
2. Feeling like the other parent is undermining what you are trying to do: often times in these situations a dynamic gets set up where there is a “good parent” and a “bad parent”. Generally the “good parent” lets their teenager do what they want and does not have a lot of rules or consequences while the “bad parent” attempts to maintain rules and structure for their teenager. In these situations, it is really important that both parents figure out a way to come to SOME agreement about rules and expectations. Sometimes this can be done through a third party (therapist, friend, etc) which can eliminate conflict – what is important though is that it is done. When going through this process, pick the things that really matter and allow yourself to let some other things go. For example: it would be important for parents to agree that their teen must be getting passing grades and send this message consistently to their teenager while it may be okay for parents to not agree on how neat their teenager needs to keep their room in each of their homes if they are living separately.
3. Feeling like your teenager should know what the other parent is doing or did: parents often feel like it is important for their teenager to know that the other parent only visits with them because they are mandated to do so or that they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying each month. In some situations, parents feel like they need to tell their teenager all the awful things that the other parent did to them. In these situations, who is really benefiting from your telling your teenager these things? Usually, it is the parent who is benefiting because they are reacting to strong, negative emotions they are feeling. What I have found over the years is that in the end, teenagers and young adults know what is going on and ultimately know which parent is consistent and which one is not. In addition, I have found that teenagers become very resentful of parents who bad mouth one another (even if what is being said is true) because it causes them a lot of confusion and feelings of betrayal by both parents. Teenagers will figure this out over time and will be much better off if they see that their two parents are able to be civil and respectful of one another while in their presence.
Of course if you ever truly believe someone is doing something that harmful, illegal or significantly damaging to your child you should take immediate steps to make sure your child is safe.
Some tips for parenting if you are a parent in this situation:
1. Speaking with the other parent: if you know that you become easily emotionally charged when speaking with your child’s other parent then it is important that you have these conversations when not in the presence of your child. It is never in a teenagers best interest to witness situations where parents become negative, yell, say negative things or become verbally abusive towards one another. The damage from this can last years and can even impact your child’s ability to form healthy, trusting relationships as an adult.
2. Feeling like the other parent is undermining what you are trying to do: often times in these situations a dynamic gets set up where there is a “good parent” and a “bad parent”. Generally the “good parent” lets their teenager do what they want and does not have a lot of rules or consequences while the “bad parent” attempts to maintain rules and structure for their teenager. In these situations, it is really important that both parents figure out a way to come to SOME agreement about rules and expectations. Sometimes this can be done through a third party (therapist, friend, etc) which can eliminate conflict – what is important though is that it is done. When going through this process, pick the things that really matter and allow yourself to let some other things go. For example: it would be important for parents to agree that their teen must be getting passing grades and send this message consistently to their teenager while it may be okay for parents to not agree on how neat their teenager needs to keep their room in each of their homes if they are living separately.
3. Feeling like your teenager should know what the other parent is doing or did: parents often feel like it is important for their teenager to know that the other parent only visits with them because they are mandated to do so or that they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying each month. In some situations, parents feel like they need to tell their teenager all the awful things that the other parent did to them. In these situations, who is really benefiting from your telling your teenager these things? Usually, it is the parent who is benefiting because they are reacting to strong, negative emotions they are feeling. What I have found over the years is that in the end, teenagers and young adults know what is going on and ultimately know which parent is consistent and which one is not. In addition, I have found that teenagers become very resentful of parents who bad mouth one another (even if what is being said is true) because it causes them a lot of confusion and feelings of betrayal by both parents. Teenagers will figure this out over time and will be much better off if they see that their two parents are able to be civil and respectful of one another while in their presence.
Of course if you ever truly believe someone is doing something that harmful, illegal or significantly damaging to your child you should take immediate steps to make sure your child is safe.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Single Parents Of Teenagers
While being the single parent of a teenager can be very challenging, there are some fairly simple steps you can take to help reduce the overall stress.
1. Make sure you take time for yourself.
It is very easy to get caught up in all the demands of work, family, appointments, etc. but it is critical that you take time EACH week for yourself. Whether taking walks, a warm bath, having a favorite hobby or going out for dinner with a friend, you need some time for yourself where you are not responsible for the needs of others.
2. Schedule a time to discuss bigger issues / decisions with your teenager.
This can help the “on the fly” demands that your teenager may place on you. I have worked with parents who have found it helpful to schedule one or two times per week where they are available to just focus on talking with their teens. This could be over dinner, while going for a walk or while driving to a schedule appointment. I have also had parents tell me they have their teenager email or text message them if they need to talk so that they can set up a time later in the day that is convenient for both (this is a sign of the times!). This allows for the conversation to take place when they can be fully focused on their teenager’s needs.
3. Allow other adults into your teenager’s life.
All parents, but particularly single parents, should welcome appropriate adults into their teenager’s lives. This should not been seen as a weakness or as a sign that a parent cannot do “their job” effectively. Teens benefit from different perspectives and from learning from different adults. Allowing other adults (a coach, neighbor, Aunt, Uncle, older cousin, etc) to play a role in your teenagers life not only takes some of the burden off you but also allows them to have a richer experience in general. You will always still be the parent and make the final decisions!
4. Have your own support network.
Nobody can do everything on their own. As a single parent, it is important that you have your own support network. As a parent, you don’t want to burden your children with your fears or worries but you do need some outlet for yourself. Using extended family, friends or other single parents for support and advice is invaluable and can really help reduce your overall stress. Being socially connected to others has many positive benefits for all adults and can be especially helpful during the unpredictable teenager years.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
1. Make sure you take time for yourself.
It is very easy to get caught up in all the demands of work, family, appointments, etc. but it is critical that you take time EACH week for yourself. Whether taking walks, a warm bath, having a favorite hobby or going out for dinner with a friend, you need some time for yourself where you are not responsible for the needs of others.
2. Schedule a time to discuss bigger issues / decisions with your teenager.
This can help the “on the fly” demands that your teenager may place on you. I have worked with parents who have found it helpful to schedule one or two times per week where they are available to just focus on talking with their teens. This could be over dinner, while going for a walk or while driving to a schedule appointment. I have also had parents tell me they have their teenager email or text message them if they need to talk so that they can set up a time later in the day that is convenient for both (this is a sign of the times!). This allows for the conversation to take place when they can be fully focused on their teenager’s needs.
3. Allow other adults into your teenager’s life.
All parents, but particularly single parents, should welcome appropriate adults into their teenager’s lives. This should not been seen as a weakness or as a sign that a parent cannot do “their job” effectively. Teens benefit from different perspectives and from learning from different adults. Allowing other adults (a coach, neighbor, Aunt, Uncle, older cousin, etc) to play a role in your teenagers life not only takes some of the burden off you but also allows them to have a richer experience in general. You will always still be the parent and make the final decisions!
4. Have your own support network.
Nobody can do everything on their own. As a single parent, it is important that you have your own support network. As a parent, you don’t want to burden your children with your fears or worries but you do need some outlet for yourself. Using extended family, friends or other single parents for support and advice is invaluable and can really help reduce your overall stress. Being socially connected to others has many positive benefits for all adults and can be especially helpful during the unpredictable teenager years.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Parenting Your Teen: The Consultant Parent
The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before.
Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before.
Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Parenting Your Teen: Are You Too Relaxed?
The Laissez-Faire Parent
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
